Bad News! I Took the Sample US Citizenship Test and Scored So Poorly the Federal Government Wants Me Dead

I'm afraid my time on this Earth is limited, folks. I was recently poking around the World Wide Web (which is still capitalized for whatever reason) and decided it would be fun to take the sample US citizenship test at It all went downhill after that. Turns out, I can't name ANY of the US presidents (past or future), and I have no idea why there are 50 white stars on the United States flag. That's when things got exciting. Immediately after submitting my test, I got the following email:

To: Stuart Lovinggood (
From: [Real email redacted at their request]
Received: 4:45AM CST, 4 April 2016
Subject: Death Notice

Valued Citizen,

Thank you for participating in the Sample US Citizenship Test. We appreciate your enthusiasm for the American Spirit. Thank you for supporting the troops.

Unfortunately, our automated testing system detected that your score fell below the accepted values for US Citizens. You now have 30 days to live.

All the best,

[Redacted] [Redacted]
The Department of Citizenship

Naturally, I had a nervous breakdown when I received this email. 30 days to live? What gives, gov'na? After exchanging a few emails with the aforeredacted director, I received the following reply:

To: Stuart Lovinggood (
Received: 4:48AM CST, 4 April 2016
Subject: Re: Re: RE: Re: Death Notice


I am unsure why you are still emailing me. You have 30 days to live. Goodbye. 

[Redacted] [Redacted]
The Department of Citizenship

At this point, I'm having a nervous breakdown about the email I just received. 30 days to live? That's not good. What gives, gov'na? After sending a few more emails to the aforeredacted director, I received no reply, which got me thinking: What if I had 30 days to live? What sort of things would I do with my life if I only had 30 days to live? Wouldn't that be sort of exciting, to only have 30 days to live? Thankfully, I no longer had to think hypothetically about this situation, as I had just recently been notified that I did, in fact, only have 30 days to live. 

A long time believer in living life in the moment, I didn't feel a big need to really go "all out" during my last 30 days alive in These United States. Nevertheless, I made a quick list of the top seven things I'd like to do before the federal government raids my house and kills me: 

  1. Mount Rushmore: I really want to pee on Mount Rushmore, on account of the government it symbolizes pledging to kill me after 30 days. I don't know which four presidents are featured on Mount Rushmore but they all probably deserve it.
  2. Grand Canyon: Seems cool
  3. Statue of Liberty: Would also like to pee on this. 
  4. San Francisco: I recently went here on vacation and want to catch a few spots I didn't have time to see when I was there.
  5. Minneapolis: I hear this is a good place to visit. I just hope the weather gets nicer before my 30 days are over. 
  6. Hike the Appalachian Trail: Considering all the training this activity would require and the length of time needed to hike the entire trail, I doubt I could do this before an elite squad of federal agents takes me out for good. 
  7. The Space Needle: I just want to see what it looks like 

I took the Sample US Citizenship Test seven days ago now, which means I only have 23 days left to get through the seven things on my bucket list. Fingers crossed!