Get "eggsited." This is the real deal. By popular demand, I give you: a definitive guide to eggs.

History of the Egg

Eggs trace their humble roots back to a common chicken many centuries ago. Other animals like quail and gooses would eventually learn "how to egg" from chickens, but the humble chicken is the earliest documented producer of eggs. Going back a step further, chickens themselves trace their roots to the humble egg. Before eggs, there were only chickens, and before chickens, only eggs. I’m pretty sure you’re familiar where this is going -- let’s talk about sex. When a daddy chicken and mommy chicken go at it, an egg is made. Ohhh yeah. That's right.

Facts About Eggs

Fifteen different US states claim “Egg” as the state food!
Eggs are one of the few foods to occupy the entire food pyramid.
Eggs boil at 250 degrees.
Eggs are one of the few known cures to the common cold.
Before the advent of the television, most eggs were green! White eggs showed up better on early TV screens. Brown eggs have gone bad and should be avoided.
The plural of “egg” is “eggs” but the plural of “hard boiled egg” is “hards boiled egg,” not to be confused with “Hard’s boiled egg.” Ruth Hard from East Sussex was the first person to discover the technique used to boil an egg, giving rise to the term “hard boiled egg.”
Despite long-held and popular beliefs, not all eggs have the distinctive “egg shape.” Perfectly round eggs happen just as frequently, but are not as marketable and are thrown out by farmers.
During the Great Depression, many eggs became depressed, too.
The Easter Bunny is well-known for its obsession with eggs, and rightfully so! Eggs are delicious, and it’s not weird for a rabbit to like eggs.
I first noticed I was starting to lose my hair at the age of 27. Bald heads look like eggs.
The price of eggs is determined by the International Egg Council, or IEC. They’re the same group that meets every year to decide how many eggs should be used to make an omelette. This year’s number is 5.

How to Order Eggs

Ordering eggs at a restaurant can seem intimidating, but once you learn the formula, you’ll be eating so many eggs. Just, like, a lot of eggs.

The magic formula goes like this:

Cook Method + Position of Egg + Difficulty Level

Cook Method: This is the way in which the cook will prepare your egg. Choose from any method you see fit, but the most common are fried, scrambled, boiled, and baked.

Position of Egg: This is the position the egg is placed while cooking. The most common orders are “over” and “under.” Don’t worry about questions like “under what?” -- the wait staff will know.

Difficulty Level: Depending on the restaurant, you’ll have the option to choose how difficult you want to make the dish for the chef or cook. If you’re feeling nice, make it easy!

In the real world, the formula will sound like this:

“I’d like my eggs fried over medium.”

“Two eggs, scrambled under easy.”

“Please give me a dozen eggs. Make them sauteed under hard. You heard me, hard. Today is not my day. And I'm taking it out on you. Why are you still standing here? Get out of here. And bring me a water. And what's the deal with places that ask for a tip before I'm served? I'm an asshole."

Now, you probably haven’t heard someone order eggs like this before. That’s fine. With the formula above, you’ll be eating eggs like a pro, assuming there was a professional sport that involved eating eggs.

Popular Egg Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a log

Humpty Dumpty fell on a frog

Humpty Dumpty was an egg

Humpty Dumpty, frumpty, Craig!

Itsy bitsy spider, crawled up the water spout

Down came the eggs and flushed them all out!

Itsy bitsy spider, sits in egg and pouts

Why’d those people throw the eggs all out?

If I have an egg and you have an egg,

The two of us will be holding two eggs.

If she has an egg and he has an egg,

Gender, as a concept, has no legs!

Egg, egg, egg on the wall!

Egg, egg, egg on the wall,

Egg, egg, egg on the wall!

Popular Egg Fraternity Rhymes

EGG! EGG! EGG!

Egg shot, egg shot, take an egg shot!

Egg shot, egg shot, give an egg shot!

EGG! EGG! EGG! WOO!

Party hard, party hard, all day long we party hard

10 minutes in a boiling pot will make an eggy hard

Egg Party Ideas

Want to throw an egg-themed party? Good idea. Egg parties are a great year-round party idea. And because eggs are the blank canvas of the culinary world, they’re also the blank canvas of the party world. Here are some sure-fire favorites:

We’re Pr-egg-nant!

Having a baby? Good idea. Announce the new addition with an old favorite: eggs.

TGIFried-egg

OMG it’s Friday! Celebrate with loved ones and a plate of fried eggs.

Breaking Bad Eggs

Binging episodes of Breaking Bad? Got a couple expired eggs in the fridge? Sounds like a good chance to throw out those eggs and catch up with Walter “Egg White” White. Decorations include egg white-y tighties.

The Remix to Eggnition

No karaoke party is complete without Nelly’s “Ignition (Remix),” and no party is complete without an egg theme. An egg karaoke party is one I can get behind.

3 Famous Eggs

The most famous egg is undeniably Abe’s Egg, which is the egg Abraham Lincoln was holding when he was shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater. Ol’ Abe was holding on to the egg for just before intermission, when it was customary to smash an egg over your knee as a sign of appreciation for the performers. The tradition quickly died out after Lincoln’s assassination, mostly because of superstition. It was replaced with the more acceptable tradition of applause, which mimicked the sound of eggs cracking over knees.
The most valuable egg in the world is buried with Napoleon Bonaparte at the Invalides in Paris. Napoleon started every day with an egg and finished every day with an egg, both served by his extensive staff of personal servants. Legend has it that he was clutching the egg when he passed away, but most historians agree that the egg was laid there by one of the chickens that was housed on a farm near the pasture where he was buried.
In the titular scene of Saturday Night Fever, John Travolta smashes an egg over Olivia Newton-John’s head in an attempt to make her laugh and break her fever. Two eggs were used on set, but only one was smashed. The other is kept at the Academy of Motion Pictures under lock and key.

DIY Egg Ideas

Everyone’s riding the DIY movement, and for good reason. If you’ve caught the bug but aren’t sure what to do with it, don’t worry! It’s not poisonous, and it can’t hurt you. Unless it has three yellow stripes on its back. If not, you’re more than welcome to use these egg ideas in your next DIY project:

Egg Shell Mosaic Bar Table

Mosaic tables are a staple of collegiate apartments and breweries. You can make your own with egg shells and plenty of shellac. Just take the shells of eggs, break them up into small pieces, lay them out on a table or bar surface, and cover them with shellac! Fair warning: for the typical 3’ x 5’ bar cart, you might need a few hundred eggs. I gave you fair warning!

Egg Shell Cabinetry

Full disclosure: this DIY idea doesn’t use eggs at all! Unless you work up an appetite. In that case, make yourself a plate of fried over easy eggs. For Egg Shell Cabinetry, head to your local paint store and ask for “egg shell paint.” I don’t know how they make it, but they’ll hand you a can of paint and you can paint your cabinets with it. Blam-o! How’s that for full disclosure?

Egg Mural

The egg shape is easy enough to paint. Grab a paint brush and paint one! Choose any color you like, and put it on any wall you want. I don't care.

Elements of an Egg

Egg Shell - Did you know that the words “hell” and “shellac” have their roots in the humble egg shell? Well, now you do. Good for you! You earned a gold star.

Egg White - If an egg goes on to become a chicken, the egg white turn into feathers.

Egg Off-white - This gelatinous material is commonly found inside eggs and also running down the side of my oven. I’m a mess!

Egg Yolk - The good stuff. They call it “liquid gold,” although you’ll often see it spelled “Likwid Garld.” This is the juiciest, most flavorful part of the egg, known for its flavor and juiciness. Put it on pasta, put it on pancakes, put it on your pop! The egg yolk goes good with anything.

Conclusion

Well, there you have it! The definitive guide to eggs. Are you disappointed with the structure and content of this guide? I know I am! Welp. See you next time!