Hollywood is abuzz with chatter about Jurassic World, the shot-for-shot remake of the 1993 classic film Jurassic Park. The movie is being toted as the summer’s hottest blockbuster, but is this block really busted? In this article, I take a look at six of the biggest inconsistencies I noticed between the two films.
Whatcha looking at, nerd?
1. Sam Neill… replaced with Chris Pratt?
Right off the bat, I noticed that in the 2015 version of the film, Sam Neill’s plucky character has been replaced with equally plucky Chris Pratt. What’s the deal, Hollywood? Can’t deal with the unrealistic standards for aging actors? And what’s with all these plucky characters?
2. Big dinosaurs… and not-so-big dinosaurs?
The 2015 version of Jurassic World packs in the big dinosaurs: Tyrannosaurus Rex, Andromedonius Rex and Wetasuarus Rex, to name a few. Sitting in the crowded theater, I was wowed by the size of the dinosaurs, some of which reach from one end of the screen to the other. The 1993 version? Not so much. Some dinosaurs struggled to take up my entire iPad screen.
3. None of the dinosaurs are SJWs.
In neither film are any of the dinosaurs revealed to be SJWs or opponents of the #gamergate movement. Full disclosure: I do not understand either of those terms. I did see them on Twitter a few times.
The caption for this image on Tumblr was "squad goals" and I don't really know what to think anymore.
4. Jeff Goldblum… replaced with Jake Johnson?
Hruahauaha. The iconic laugh that stole the hearts of generations rings silent in the 2015 version of the movie. Instead, we get “new guy” Jake Johnson, who does a piss-poor Jeff Goldblum impression. Asshole.
5. NEWMAN!
Everyone’s favorite Seinfeld character (Newman Panslansky, the mailman) stole the show in the original 1993 version of Jurassic Park. In the 2015 version, however, his character does not make an appearance. They don't even talk about how many lines of code the park uses, which seems like a grave oversight to make when recreating one of the most iconic technical thrillers of the century.
Hey kids, stop looking at yourselves! There are dinosaurs out there.
6. Kids these days
In the original Jurassic Park, the plucky granddaughter and grandson of John Hammond make their way through the park doing wholesome things like looking at dinosaurs and disorganizing the kitchen. These new kids are always on their cell phones, taking selfies with girls and texting (always with the texting!).
Well, there you have it. And these are just six of the differences. I noticed many others, like the names of virtually all the characters and the fact that they only refer to John Hammond in the past tense. You’ll just have to watch Jurassic World and see if you can spot the rest for yourself! Until next time — rawr!